Festies, Dude-bros, Woo-girls, Fan-boys and Head-bangers

The guitars crescendo, then howl to a decibel-crushing level. I feel the music course through my veins again and it feels amazing. After a drought of concert attending, I reveled in the opportunity to return to one of my favorite past-times. Last week, I had the pleasure of seeing the grunge metal pioneers, The Melvins and the indie rock band Built to Spill play. The old adage “some things never really change” was definitely applicable to the music scene.

Obviously, music is the reason to go to a show. But they are also a prime habitat for people watching, which provides added entertainment. Here I have compiled a handy-dandy list of the types of concert-goers I invented for your own convenience and fun!
The Festival goer aka “festie’s” natural habitat is obviously an outdoor music festival, because they just “love mother earth, man.” There are at least two festies at every show, guaranteed. The ‘festie’ is by far the most entertaining of breeds, because they bring the outdoor festival indoors with hippie antics such as hula hooping, fire poi, glow sticks and glitter.

Be wary though, for the “festie” does not consider personal hygiene a priority! Beneath the nest of dreadlocks festers the nauseating stink from no shampoo and being all-natural, brah. If the “festie” is cultured, you will probably smell her patchouli trail from across the room.

Contrary to the exciting antics of the festie, the “tall guy” has a penchant for obstructing the perspective of the stage. He hovers well above the six feet mark and is seemingly oblivious to his height, thus evoking grimaces from us of the normal height variety.

My boyfriend made the genius suggestion that everybody who attends a concert (except for us of course) must be under 5” 2.’ Instead of a “must be this tall to ride roller coaster” sign, there will be one that says, “must be under this height to enter concert.” Problem solved. Sorry Shaq, no more death metal shows for you.

The next breed of concert-goer is even more grating than the “tall guy,” because not only might she get in your way, she will make sure you hear about it. The “woo-girl” usually goes to a show because it’s the “happening” thing to do that night or is in tote with her boyfriend (see the dude-bro) and does not actually know the band’s music.

Inevitably, the “woo-girl” decides the perfect time to scream to her friends about this really important thing that absolutely can’t wait until after the show! She can be heard whining about the corns and blisters she gets from wearing stilettos.

The “dude-bro” drags his “woo-girlfriend” there because he heard that one really epic song by the band. When the band finally plays said epic song, dude-bro will be yelling inane comments at the band and playing air guitar. Donning his popped collar and porcupine hair plugs, he will check sports scores on his smart phone throughout the show. “Dude-bro” will probably be slamming beers like it’s a drought and blow chunks in front of you on the way to your car after the show.

The “fan-boy” is the cousin of the dude-bro, but instead of being super amped about that one really epic song, the ‘fan-boy’ is amped about the band’s entire discography! He will indeed let you hear it by yelling the lyrics to every single song in your ear and yelling random factoids about the band between songs. “Fan-boy” probably runs a fan site out of his parents’ basement and has every bootleg ever made.

The “fan-boy” will certainly butt heads with the “head-banger” (pun intended). The “fan-boy” must vie with the “head-banger” for prime real-estate space right in front of the stage. The “head-banger” can be seen convulsing in a near seizure-like state. “Head-banger” is likely to end up trying to start a hardcore mosh pit, regardless of what genre of music the band plays.

Opposite the “head-banger,” the most timid, mild-mannered type at a show is the “silent head bobber.” This shy guy or gal’s feathers don’t get ruffled and peacefully co-exists amidst the throngs of odd people mingling together at a show.

Next time you are at a show, observe the prime habitat for people watching when different worlds collide.

Tessa is a senior majoring in English.