Let’s just be friends
But benefits are OK, too
Dear Spectrum: I have a very good friend who has offered me benefits on the side, but I don’t know what to say. She’s hot, really hot, but she’s also a friend. I’m afraid we won’t be able to separate sex from emotions, and we’ll just end up ruining everything. Can sex ever be just sex?
Confused Beneficiary
Dear Beneficiary:
Sex, and people’s attitudes toward it, is rarely straightforward or simple.
Some people may be perfectly willing to sleep with anyone who comes along without attaching any more significance to it than any other simple bodily function.
Others will, no matter what they tell themselves before it begins, grow attached to their partners.
If your friend is offering, the chances seem good that she feels confident she can handle a separation of physical attachment and emotional attachment.
The question left, then, is can you do the same.
In my experience, sex without emotion is empty and disappointing. An orgasm is just a contraction of the right muscles and a release of endorphins; good sex is about so much more.
If you even have to ask, the chances are good you will grow attached, emotions will become involved and you will no longer be simply friends with benefits.
My advice to you would be turn her down, but do it kindly; rejection is never an easy pill to swallow.
In a more general context however this brings up a very good question; what makes good sex so good?
Simple physical sensation is at the root of it, but pleasure fades with the endorphin rush, so what can keep that glow going? Will partners more adept in the arts of love do, or is the key spice in this case variety?
Many people seem to seek the answer in the physical world, hoping as they try more and more things they will find the one that really does it for them, the thing that gives them the bigger orgasms and the longer lasting smile. But this ignores half the equation; the mind.
There is a popular saying that claims the brain is the biggest erogenous zone and it seems to ring true.
To truly excite someone their mind must be engaged, a union of physical and mental stimulation must be found and one of the easiest ways to do that is with an emotional contact.
A partner with whom emotions are involved, even if one of those emotions is not love, is far more likely to create a loving environment, a comfortable environment.
Within such a place it is possible to focus as much on them as on your own pleasure and the afterglow is never as sweet as when it’s shared.
Basic as it may be and obvious as it may sometimes seem the key really is that simple. Better sex is all in the mind.
The Spectrum welcomes all letters seeking advice on sex and sexual health, they may be discretely dropped in our offices in 255 Memorial Union or emailed to Stephen.Baird@ndsu.edu. Your real name will not be published.