lnfomercials and three easy payments
Some night this past week, in an attempt to completely screw myself out of much needed sleep, I found myself laying on the couch fully enthralled by those magical and entertaining sights and sounds we all know as infomercials.
Being a nocturnal American with access to a television, this was obviously not my first encounter with infomercials.
However, on this particularly pathetic evening of my life, I had somewhat of an epiphany — perhaps more of an intellectual awakening — or an aneurysm.
Regardless, the rest of that night consisted of my vain attempts to fully understand infomercials. The next day I set out to learn the genius of infomercials.
I gave up because there is no genius involved. infomercials suck.
You see, when Ron Popeil first invented the TV infomercial, he had one goal in mind: selling such junk as the Ronco Food Dehydrator and Showtime Rotisserie Oven in the wee hours of twilight to billions of insomniacs, drunks and vampires.
Set it and forget it? I’ve tried to, Ron. But I remember your crappy pitch every day of my life. Somebody end this pain.
First of all, why do these marketing whiz kids conform to the same rules for every single infomercial?
The inventor and some lady present their fascinating life-altering product to a studio audience consisting of 50 some people who have been given a smile- inducing drug.
Every transition consists of “but wait, there’s more,” and I don’t care who these people think they’re kidding, I know they’re always fibbing on the price. Goofy tricksters.
Actually, the infomercial trick of mind-shocking diminishing prices is a pretty good ploy that should be applied to more scenarios.
Does anyone else feel really stupid when they watch an infomercial?
First, because the “hosts” are the most condescending people this planet has ever known. “So, for the viewers at home, what exactly is a fish?”
Second, after enough exposure to infomercials, a food sealer that can crush 36 aluminum cans into a huge plastic bag starts to sound good.
It’s after we buy something like a vacuum sealer that we realize we do not want to vacuum seal everything we own and store it in our freezers for 20 years, nor do we want a huge laminated pile of Mountain Dew.
Furthermore, has anyone thought that a machine that can crush that many cans will probably turn anything one can chew into muck?
“ Here, have some meatloaf pudding. It’s 13 years old.”
Another problem I have with infomercials is that it seems like they just sell worse versions of things we already have.
Like a fishing rod you can carry in your pocket for those moments when you want to feel really stupid lugging a crappy fishing rod around in your pocket.
Instead of using the EZ Omelet Maker, just use a spatula (not like the actor in the infomercial who demonstrates how hard it is to flip an egg if you’re an intoxicated moron cooking in an earthquake).
Then there are the ads for that great new gadget that has been inundating your television time lately, the Magic Bullet.
“ Um, that looks like a ridiculously small blender.”
“ But it’s not. It’s a bullet, it is a magic one.”
And it can be yours for three easy payments of $19.95.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum