The ramblings of a guitar hero
Last night I rocked. The crowd screamed with applause and…well, screams. My fingers burnt and ached from too many slides and thrashing solos. The sweat poured out of my body and I could taste that certain electric vibe in the air that was probably not so much a vibe as it was a bug in my mouth.
If you’re wondering whether I’m a rocker in a band and I’m reliving my latest gig, you’re very close.
But the truth is I’m not so much in a band as I am referring to my latest pastime of playing the guilty pleasure known as Guitar Hero and pretending my roommates are awestruck by my righteous riffs and lightning licks.
Before I go any further though, I feel I should probably describe Guitar Hero. Basically Guitar Hero is a video game where we players become pretend guitar heroes using a pretend guitar with pretend strings and brag about our high scores to our pretend friends. That’s it.
So maybe rocker isn’t quite the word I’m looking for. Oh, yeah. Loser. That’s it.
I mean in no way to insult my rocking brethren and sistren — I think I just invented a word — with my self-deprecating jabs, because Guitar Hero is quite fun and I’m pretty stoked that Guitar Hero II is coming out soon.
However, the fact of the matter is I feel like a dork when I’m playing the game or just finished playing it — five stars baby, woohoo!
Kind of like I don’t want to get too good at the game and reveal to challengers that I have no life. It is for this same reason that I will no longer be inviting anyone to play Yu-Gi-Oh! with me.
Essentially what I’m trying to say is that playing Guitar Hero is entertaining, addictive and embarrassing.
You may ask, “If Guitar Hero is so dorky, why are you playing it?”
The reason of course is that I was destined to become a guitar hero, whether I like it or not.
There are better things I could be doing with my time like personal hygiene or studying, but God knew exactly what he had planned for me — a dark basement room with loud speakers and a videogame.
A land of lighter-wielding fans swaying to my epic solos. A world where the television applauds me. That is how special other guitar heroes and I are.
Maybe I was being a little hard on Guitar Hero earlier. Maybe I’m just having trouble adjusting to my newfound status of hero.
Really, you simpletons have no idea what the pressure of being a hero, especially a guitar hero, feels like.
You “guitar zeros” don’t know the kind of pressure that is put on us to go in and better our scores with every performance. We fight through those blisters and hangnails to truly bring 128-bit concertgoers to musical climax.
So now, if you’re trying to find meaning in this whole video game rant like I am, I guess I could sum it up in a few sentences.
Guitar hero is a fun videogame. Guitar hero might seem dorky right away, but don’t worry, it will seem dorky later.
And finally, the only way to find out if you are a guitar hero like me is to play the game. Peace and good playing to you.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum