Jenn’s Top Ten List
Signs of the Apocalypse
The “Like a Virgin” mother turns 48 – The biggest sex-symbol in America is fast-approaching soggy cones, false teeth, Depends, and the senior citizen’s menu. Madonna, who was recently crucified by the Catholic Church for nailing herself to a cross in concert, is now suffering from post-climactic osteoporosis. Basically, it’s over, and it’s starting to hurt.
The Black Horsemen of Death - Starbucks Liqueur – It tastes unusually delicious – the typical veil of evil. The Starbucks portion caffeinates like a double shot of espresso, while the liqueur mellows like a five o’clock beer. The result: a contorted nervous system that gives up on the senses altogether.
CBS’s “Survivor” moves on to racial segregation – Next season of “Survivor” will see the contestants separated into tribes by race. It looks like 67% of viewers will be rooting for whites, 14% for Hispanics, 13% for African American, and 4% for Asians, based on our current demographics.
The Gas Market Flux - When gas prices curiously drop, I can’t help but think I’m buying some “gently used” liquid that was siphoned from my car the previous night. I used to believe that rising gas prices were marking the end of days. In reality, maybe it was sustaining our existence by forcing conservation, but now everyone’s back in their SUVs.
BullsBalls.com, your one stop ball shop - When I think of everything that’s missing from my middle-aged mode of transportation, one-thing really sticks out in my mind – genitals, of course! When I recently discovered an odd and rising obsession with attaching balls (literally) to the back of trucks, cars, 4-wheelers, even bikes, there was no question that our days are numbered. So instead of fighting it, it’s down to the mocha colored bulls-balls for $35 or the chrome big boy nuts running around $50.
University Drive vaguely resembles the river Styx - While going down either one, you’re more or less in hell.
Choosing the lesser of two evils (politicians) – North Dakota’s Sen. Kent Conrad, the obvious incumbent on the upcoming ballot, faces a tough challenge this election year: what to do with all of his extra campaign money?
I hope he’s not actually spending it on campaigning. His opponent, Dwight Grotberg, is a small town councilmen, farmer, and father of seven. His cash-on-hand is just short of $20,000, while Conrad is nearing $3.5 million according to myelectionanalysis.com. No need to vote, it’s already over.
The second coming of the savior/songwriter - Bob Dylan returns to Fargo this weekend for his twice-a-decade performance in North Dakota. Dylan’s lyrics have always been difficult for critics to translate, but according to Blogcritics.org his new album is on the verge of apocalyptical. “The Modern Times that Dylan refers to on this album mean nothing less than the End of Days.”
147,000 people actually buy Paris Hilton’s CD - Wow! Whatever happened to listening responsibly? Most animals who hear her long enough end-up biting her, even at the risk of becoming diseased.
Croc Hunter’s zoo pass expires - According to Nick Bruhn, a former NDSU student, “Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray. If that’s not a sign of the apocalypse, I don’t know what is.” Crikey! The Crocodile Hunter spent his life tangling with the world’s most dangerous animals and was killed by nature’s throw-rug. The energetic conservationist died while shooting a series called “The Ocean’s Deadliest.”
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum