October Surprise
Is the Mark Foley scandal a deeper look into Republican strategy?
Midterm elections will soon be upon us, and already the fists are flying.
In a stunning blow to the Republican Party, Congressman Mark Foley of Florida resigned after a series of sexually explicit e-mails between himself and a 16-year-old congressional page were posted on the Internet.
Despite resignations and meaningless apologies, Republicans seem to be crying “foul play,” citing that Democrats knew of the scandal and waited for the opportune moment to let everyone else in on secret. And true, Republicans seem to be crying a lot in general lately.
Then again, who wouldn’t cry if they found out they had their very own Michael Jackson among their conservative ranks?
Still, Republicans are doing anything they can to distance themselves from Foley. Fox News incorrectly labeled Foley as a Democrat from Florida, and conservative commentators are dusting off the old Clinton scandal playbook again, trying to get voters to recall the sex scandal of presidential proportions.
Okay, we all know Clinton had an affair. Big deal. But at least it wasn’t with a 16-year-old kid.
But are all these incorrect party affiliation labels really mistakes?
Are Republicans comparing Foley to Clinton because it is the only comeback they can conjure or are all of these occurrences just a broader look into a deeper Republican strategy?
The Republicans always stick to their guns, and this time is no different — when in doubt, label the criminal a Democrat.
I think we’re onto something.
If there’s one thing Republicans hate, it’s the truth. So why not just warp the truth now like they did with Iraq, and all those weapons of mass destruction that are supposedly still out there?
By doing so, the public will completely forget what truth even is and Republicans can wipe their hands clean of the matter and simply walk away.
Soap dish politics are my friends: simply rinse, clean, dry and walk away. When asked, blame the whole mess on the Democrats.
If we simply apply the Republican strategy, we could possibly see a glimpse into the near future of the political spectrum. But just in case you’re still a little confused, I’ve taken the liberty of giving you the “Cliffs Notes” of the “Republican ‘Strategery’ Calendar”.
Week One: Scandal takes full swing. Label Foley a “Democrat in hiding.” Not only will the public associate liberals with pedophiles, but with spies as well.
Week Two: Raise the terror alert level. Republicans uncover plot and warn public of massive terror threat come Election Day. Don’t vote, don’t think about voting and don’t think in general. The lives of Americans are at stake.
Week Three: Haul Bin Laden out of jail (where he’s really been kept all this time) and announce to world that Republican leaders aided in his capture. Leak video onto YouTube.com of troops wrestling Bin Laden to ground and digging through his wallet. Troops find photograph of goat, a few bucks and a membership card to the Democratic Party and ACLU.
Week Four: Announce to world that Bin Laden was a Democrat, terror threat has been thwarted and Americans are now urged to vote, but asked not to think too hard. Republicans host Capitol Hill pre-victory Halloween party; no underage pages allowed.
November
Week One: Americans vote. Republicans win and keep majority in the house and senate. Mark Foley re-elected to Congress as Democrat from California. When asked what he’s going to do now that he’s been reelected, Foley announces, “I’m going to Disney World!”
Let’s just hope for the children’s sake that Disney World is closed that day.
And finally, before I leave you with the final chapter in the “Republican ‘Strategery’ Calendar,” one thing can be for certain.
October isn’t over yet, and despite what happens, no matter your party affiliation, and even if Republicans announce some terror threat, I urge everyone to vote.
And with that, I give you the final week into the Republican calendar.
Week Two: After stunning terror raid, Democrats sent to Guantanamo Bay, held without due process thanks to legislation passed by Republican senators in September. Public again urged by officials not to think too hard due to terror threat.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum