The power of the ’stache
The magic of the mustache
I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, but something my buddy said seemed to stick: “If it weren’t for Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds, you know, the mustache would have just gone away.”
I agreed with him at the time, but the more I contemplated his idea that two people were to blame for the continuance of the mustache and furthermore, that the mustache is a bad thing, I came upon quite a different realization.
You see, thanks to the somewhat moronic conversations I find myself engaged in on a daily basis, and my seven attention deficit disorders that keep me from spending my time doing homework, I have recently stumbled across the greatest realization in all of history.
That seemingly idiotic conversation led to the formulation of an hypothesis that will not only give great meaning to every single moment mankind has ever experienced, but this mind-boggling discovery will also shape the rest of the future.
Before I continue though, I must stress that you need to be sitting down while you read this. It’s that amazing.
Quick, think what all of the most important individuals — good, bad, and ugly — in history have in common. I’m talking really important people like Jesus Christ, Adolf Hitler, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Frida Kahlo and Ron Jeremy.
Can’t guess? They all had mustaches. Some had beards, too.
Coincidence? I think not. The fact of the matter is that mustaches hold some kind of indescribable power that allows their owners to become such monumental figures in the world.
I’ll admit, at first it sounds absurd and even I was skeptical in the earlier stages of its formulation; I mean, you would think something else links all of these great leaders who left such a mark on the world.
But every time I tested this theory, I wound up with the same answer: Hello, Nobel Prize.
If you still think this sounds ridiculous, just test it. Who’s more important to American history: Tony Danza or Albert Einstein? Get the point?
The implications of this new theory are immense. Not only does this allow academics in all fields to segregate the important people of the past from the not-so- important ones, but also we can now predict who will be of most importance in the future.
I’m working on a better theory for important female figures who didn’t sport facial hair, but it’s tough.
With this theory, the government can now realize that we don’t need to be worrying about North Korea; “Babyface” Jong Il is of little importance when compared to the civil unrest Borat is provoking.
Also, because of my theory, the NBA can give the Rookie of the Year and the MVP to Adam Morrison and just cancel the season because hey, who’s watching anyway?
It’s hard to illustrate just what this means for the immediate future on such limited column space, but what we can all take from this is that we need to be wary of people with mustaches. They could become the face of the next religion, revolution or world war.
And most importantly, we need to keep our eyes on Dr. Phil. With a ’stache like the one he has, he’s got to be up to something.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum