You’re a depressing kid, Charlie Brown
Every year, as Halloween approaches, our TVs are filled with all too familiar movies; “Jason” 1-200, “Halloween” 1-50 and “Nightmare on Elm Street” 1-63.
Although, I typically laugh at how pathetic these films are, there’s always one movie that leaves me depressed.
Just the other day I saw a commercial for the very film I’m speaking of: “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”
To sum up the plot, Linus sets his hopes on the Great Pumpkin visiting town. He opts out on trick-or-treating to ultimately be let down by the Great Pumpkin’s absence.
Of course, the film furthers its depressing streak as the rest of the kids go trick-or-treating and receive bounds of candy, except for Charlie Brown. He receives nothing but dull grey rocks all night.
It didn’t take me long in my childhood to realize that these movies are the most depressing cartoons ever made. Yet people still watch them.
Why is that? Why would anyone look forward to a cartoon that revolves around the idea of getting the main characters all riled up when they’re ultimately about to receive the biggest letdown of the year (at least until the next holiday)?
Just to give you another example, “You’re Not Elected, Charlie Brown” will be airing shortly. I think the title sums up that plot and John Kerry’s last presidential bid.
And how about the Thanksgiving Special?
Why is it that the only black kid, Franklin, is forced to sit by himself on one side of the table while all the other kids sit together on the other side?
Ah yes, nothing puts me in more of a holiday spirit than a good old cartoon about racism. Maybe they should make a cartoon called, “You’re a Racist, Charlie Brown.”
I could go on and on. The Charlie Brown Christmas Festival features yet another episode where Charlie Brown disappoints everyone after buying the sickest and crappiest looking tree.
Who could forget the Valentine’s Day special where Charlie Brown hopes to receive just one valentine from the “little red-haired girl”, but again, gets nothing?
By the end of each episode, people start to ask themselves when they’ll finally just make an episode called, “You’re on Prozac, Charlie Brown.”
I wish they’d just stop making these movies that are the latest installment of a series of films. I have an idea that could answer all of our questions and end the films once and for all: Make one final episode called, “Welcome to San Francisco, Charlie Brown.”
By the end of the episode, Charlie would be mugged in Chinatown, denied service on a trolley car due to Snoopy’s company (no dogs allowed), get food poisoning at Fisherman’s Wharf, suffer a sprained ankle from Lucy taking away the football right before Charlie kicks it and the final scene would picture old Charlie standing at the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge with a rock tied to his leg.
And since we’re in San Francisco, Peppermint Patty could finally decide which gender she really is and Woodstock and Snoopy could get hitched.
Looks like Lucy’s psychiatry services never helped (although due to all the depressing themes, I can see why she offered such services).
So, despite how depressing these films truly are, they still represent the pinnacle of American pop-culture and nostalgia.
We continue to watch, hoping Charlie Brown will finally have his day. It’s like forcefully putting your hand on a hot burner hoping someone walks by and turns the stove off.
Still, maybe the Peanut’s Gang creator Charles Schulz was trying to teach us all that life isn’t always fair and not every ending is happy.
I guess that’s true, and I’ll always have Peanuts to thank for that every time another cartoon airs.
I guess there’s nothing more for me to say other than this: You’re a depressing kid, Charlie Brown. Thanks a lot.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum