Suing for half a gumball
I decided this morning that if I ever sue anyone, it would at least be for a large enough amount to buy myself a chocolate bar on the way home. It would also be nice to have enough left over to pay the court fees.
Reading an article on the China Daily Web site this morning, I discovered not everyone feels the same way I do on this matter. A Nanjing teacher tried to sue his principal for calling him a fool in front of his colleagues. The compensation the teacher asked for his humiliation: one Chinese Yuan, worth about 12 U.S. cents.
The court ruled in favor of the principal, saying her remarks could not possibly have caused the teacher serious damage.
I suppose being called a fool in front of one’s colleagues isn’t a pleasant experience.
In addition, what better way to prove your intelligence and competence than by suing your boss for barely enough to buy half a gumball?
That way, your boss knows better than to verbally abuse you, and you get half a gumball (or perhaps a dinner mint) out of the deal. On top of that, the court fees and the cost of hiring a lawyer is now 12 cents cheaper.
After hearing about this incident, I felt sorry for the poor person who tried to stand up for himself but ended up looking like an idiot instead.
So, after spending hours in meditation over 12-cent emotional damage lawsuits, spilled McDonalds coffee and poor innocent burglars getting injured breaking into houses, I decided to establish a few guidelines for respectable lawsuits.
First, the compensation you seek should be more than what the court fees will be. Otherwise, you just forked over a large sum of hard-earned money to give the court employees something interesting to talk about at the dinner table. You can do that free by attending a court case dressed in a gorilla costume. Never mind the fact that you also wasted their time.
Secondly, make sure you are suing for something that most people agree is damaging. Being reprimanded by your boss does not count.
If you are going to sue for every little conflict that comes up, at least be efficient about it and sue the entire world’s population for $100 each the day you’re born. That way, you’d be filthy rich and made for life, and you will have taken care of any conflict you will ever have with anyone who was already in existence by then. If conflicts come up with people born after you, it doesn’t matter. You’re rich. You can afford a good lawyer.
Finally, the lawsuit in itself should not prove the opposite of what you were trying to prove by having it in the first place.
The teacher in question objected to being called a fool, probably because he did not consider himself one. Therefore, to deal with it, he takes his boss to court for pocket change and loses. Even if he had won, he could not have covered the court costs with it, and even in the highly unlikely event, he went to court free, he’s 12 cents richer. 12 cents. Amazing.
This man sounds brilliant. I think I should hire him if I am ever in that position.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum