Politics worth watching: C-SPAN deathmatch
If you’re sick of watching “The Ultimate Fighter” or “WWF,” I’ve got a more cerebral experience to suggest for you. Instead of pointless political debates, we could all watch politicians slug it out in the ring.
Yes, I suggest we replace verbal debate with (literally) bare-knuckle political boxing matches.
I don’t know about you, but I’d pay a lot of money to see Michael Moore and Ann Coulter go toe-to-toe. I can just see it: Mikey lands the first punch to Annie’s solar plexus while speaking about corporate downsizing, but Annie recovers and plants a right hook to Mikey’s jaw while rebutting him with accusations of liberal irrationality.
Now tell me that’s not entertainment.
It’d be the fight of the century: the two people who are as far apart as it’s possible to get on the political spectrum.
In this corner, Ann Coulter, the lady in black, the renowned ultra-conservative reactionary author and speaker, who’s made her career lambasting left-wingers as misguided ax-grinders.
In this corner, Michael Moore, heavyweight doughnut eating champion, the rabble-rousing “director” who’s made his “career” making “documentaries” about various political “issues.”
In case you can’t tell, I’d root for Annie.
We could have a follow-up match with Bill O’Reilly and Senator Hilary Rodham “The Rod” Clinton. That’s a tough call, but I think Bill would win in six or seven rounds. Hilary may have exploding daggers of death that launch from her eyes, but Bill’s got a six-inch armor-plated hide.
Think of it: instead of pointless one-minute speeches on the floor of the House of Representatives, we’d have one-minute wrestling matches. (California, having over 54 representatives, is the current tag-team champion.)
Instead of filibustering, you could have a one-round elimination brawl. Last senator standing gets the microphone.
Forget the endless partisan debates that are the hallmark of contemporary Washingtonian politics.
If you spot a rider you don’t like being attached to a bill, challenge the congressperson who put it there to a few brisk rounds of fisticuffs. As long as your opponent is somebody like Strom Thurmond, then you’re set.
You know what the government used to be like, don’t you? In 1850 there was one particular Missouri congressman, Thomas Hart Benton.
He was a huge man, and very belligerent. His mortal enemy was skinny little Mississippi congressman Henry Foote. Everything Foote said Benton disagreed with, and vice versa.
One day, though, Benton lost it. He leaped up and started charging down the aisle at Foote. Foote stepped into the aisle, pulled a pistol from his coat, and pointed it at Benton.
Benton, still moving even with five buddies piling on him, saw the gun. He tore open his coat, exposing his chest, and shouted, “Let the assassin shoot! He knows I am not armed!”
Don’t you wish things like that would happen in the Senate nowadays? It’d almost make C-SPAN worth watching.
Andrew is a senior studying mass communication.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum