Stone Age customer service
I hear a lot of complaints about how complicated modern technology has made our lives. I admit I make my fair share of them.
Being the technologically inept person I am and dealing with an office computer that has a mind of its own and an agenda completely different from mine, I feel I have reason to do so.
Our technological problems are nothing compared to those of our Stone Age ancestors, though. They may not have had computers, cell phones, and cars, but they had their own new technology to figure out. I’m sure fire and wheels perplexed them just as much as our new technology perplexes us today.
Today, most technological companies have customer service hotlines to help people. If your computer breaks down, all you have to do is pick up the phone, call customer service and listen to some guru ask you if you remembered to plug it in before attempting to turn it on.
Once you convince them that yes, you actually did plug it in, turn it on, and do everything 21st century common sense tells you you’re supposed to do, they give you a very complicated solution. This solution sounds like it should work just based on the sheer complexity of it, but usually leaves your computer with all the functional capability of a rock, and not a particularly bright one at that.
I am sure the Stone Age was no different. Since fire and the wheel were both brand new inventions, it must have taken people awhile to get used to them. And we all know there is only one way to deal with a society where the technology baffles the majority of the population: customer service hotlines.
The typical scenario probably went something like this:
A caveman can’t get his campfire started, and his wife has been pestering him and nagging him all day to fix it. After trying unsuccessfully for several hours, the caveman finally puts aside his delicate handyman ego and calls customer service.
After navigating an endless touchtone menu (“For hunting weapons that fail to kill a wooly mammoth, press 1 …”), our hero finally hears a human voice.
“Hello. Stone Age Technology, Inc. How may I help you?”
“Um…yeah,” the caveman begins nervously, “I bought these two pieces of flint from you last week and they aren’t working very well. I can’t seem to get a fire started.”
“Did you remember to plug it in?”
“Did I do what?!”
“Did you plug it in?”
“Sir, this is the Stone Age,” the caveman politely points out, “We don’t ‘plug things in’. Electricity won’t be invented for several thousands of years.”
A dead, awkward silence follows.
“Oh …yeah. I guess you have a point.”
More awkward silence, and then the voice on the other end of the line continues, “I guess I really can’t help you then. Goodbye.”
After a moment’s hesitation, the caveman hangs up. He and his wife conclude that this newfangled invention called fire really is something they can do without after all, and the pieces of flint lie unused in the garage for the next ten years.
By then, they are obsolete because someone came out with a better model. A better model with dozens of new features that most people still have no idea how to use.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum