Quest for perfect first impression has gone too far
We all want to look competent and professional when we interview for our dream jobs. No one wants to come across as being creepy or even socially awkward on a date. That is completely understandable, and in small doses, it is right and proper.
However, the vast number of Web sites and books dedicated to making a good impression everywhere from the office to the house party next Friday night, show that our culture has become far too obsessed with it. These self-help books tell us what to wear, how to carry ourselves, what haircut to have at what age, exactly what to say in every situation and everything else you could possibly imagine.
They go on to say what sort of impression you will give if you do something “wrong.” If a woman wears her hair long, she is probably “hiding” behind it and not very confident. If a man’s hair is long, he’s probably a rebel who does drugs.
If you don’t make eye contact, it says you’re uncomfortable. If you hold eye contact for too long, you’re staring the person down. If your clothes are out of date, you must be very conservative and not open to new ideas. If you say the wrong thing, you’re bad mannered and uneducated.
I have a problem with this attitude for three main reasons.
First of all, if you’re so concerned about every tiny little detail about how you present yourself, common knowledge says you will eventually become very uptight. You’ll be so busy worrying about what other people think, you won’t have time to enjoy the situation. In the long run, you could lose track of who you are.
Secondly, I believe when people are so focused on how they come across to other people, they become more judgmental of others. Yes, it’s true that in some situations, a first impression is all you get and you do need to make a good one.
However, in just as many situations, you will have more time to get to know the people around you and find out who they really are beyond the first impression. When you judge someone based on what some book says their clothes say about them, you are missing out on the chance to get to know who they really are, which is probably very different than what you think.
Finally, shouldn’t it be more important to actually be the sort of person you want to be rather than just look and act like that person?
Yes, it’s important to impress your potential employer or date, but it’s more important to actually be a competent worker or a caring person. If you focus too much energy on how to make someone think you have certain qualities, you are probably not focusing that energy on actually obtaining those qualities.
My favorite people tend to be the ones who don’t care what other people think of them. They know how to make other people comfortable, which is an essential social skill.
However, they don’t care if their clothes are the latest style, or if their hair is too long or too short or if they say the wrong thing every now and then. They know who they are and they are truly comfortable with it. That says more than any self-help book ever will.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum