If groundhogs could talk ...
Groundhogs have never been of much importance to me. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen one in person. All I ever hear about the little critters is how bad they are for gardens. Luckily, I hate gardening.
After giving much thought to the idea, I decided to speak to the king groundhog of all time. That’s right, the seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators, Punxsutawney Phil himself. I’ve never spoken to a celebrity before so I was pumped to chat with the critter.
Fortunately, I have mastered the art of speaking “Groundhogese,” the only language Phil has bothered to learn.
Jackie: “So Phil, how’s the weather today?”
Phil: “Ha ha … I bet you think I’ve never heard that one before.”
J: “Just kidding, Phil. You’ve been around for over 100 years. What’s your secret? I’m guessing you’ve had a facelift or two?”
P: “Actually, I tell people it has to with my exercise. I like to run the wheel every day just to stay pumped for my Phyllis. She likes me buff.”
J: “What are the ingredients to the groundhog punch you drink every summer? Do you know how many old ladies are out there kicking themselves because you get an extra seven years and don’t get all wrinkly?”
P: “Honestly, I don’t know. Those top-hat guys just hand it to me and I chug it on down almost as quickly as those beers you college kids chug down at The Turf.”
J: “Hey, how do you know about The Turf?”
P: “Well I decided to make a trip up to the Dakotas just to check out the weather you have in the Northern states. I have to say the blowing wind and freezing ice you get up North is nothing like our weather. Plus, I wanted to meet Thundar.”
J: “So what was it like to meet Bill Murray? Was that your first driving experience?”
P: “He was a bit of a joker. The guy freaked me out a little when he started quoting his Caddyshack lines and running after me with a golf club like I was a gopher. Doesn’t he watch Animal Planet? He should know the difference between groundhogs and gophers.”
J: “I guess those actors don’t take the time to learn the difference between a common Marmota Monax and a Geomyidae. So Phil, are you thinking of retiring soon?”
P: “Every once in awhile I dread the idea of the top hats pulling me out by the legs and asking me whether I saw my shadow. It doesn’t even feel like much of a holiday to me anymore. I get more excited about Christmas than anything because all the kids in town bring me fresh dog food and new toys to play with.”
J: “You sound a little down on all the fame you’ve collected this past century.”
P: “Maybe one of these days I’ll make a run for it from the stump and find out what it’s like to burrow and dig up people’s gardens.”
J: “You let me know when that is Phil. I have a neighbor who is bragging about his prize tomatoes. I think you could teach him a lesson.”
The famous groundhog is not as thrilled with the duty of telling the weather to the world as people might think. Maybe if he would stop seeing his shadow, the furry guy could feel better about the famous life; plus, the cold-weather residents, like those in North Dakota, will stop despising Groundhog Day.