Searching for acceptance
Silka Tobias moved to California two years ago because “something was ‘wrong’” with her. “Some of my ‘Christian friends’ convinced me that I really had a disorder,” 22-year-old former NDSU student Tobias said.
Her friends gave her books and recommended that she speak with local pastors about her “disorder.” Tobias suffered from depression and was on a search to find acceptance when she came out and told her friends and family that she is a lesbian.
One of the most difficult parts of coming out was learning that some of her friends wouldn’t accept her. Tobias said she believes her “Christian friends” still love her, but they cannot accept who she is. She has only kept in contact with a handful of friends in Fargo and Minneapolis.
“I chose my life over close-minded friends,” Tobias said. “I still have Christian friends, real Christian friends, who live by the principle of loving one another.”
North Dakotans approved a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage in 2004. The unofficial returns of the vote had 73 percent approval, according to the Associated Press.
“In Fargo, your self is based on your gender, your skin color. It’s all about categorizing,” Tobias said. “In California and other more liberal areas, it’s not important. Connecting and getting to know a person – that’s important.”
Tobias reflected on her Fargo life once she moved to California. She said she couldn’t imagine holding hands with another girl or kissing in public in Fargo.
“Here, in San Diego, that doesn’t define who you are,” Tobias said. “Sexuality isn’t salient.”
The mesh of cultures in California contributes to the open-mindedness of the area, Tobias said. About 26 percent of people living in California are foreign born, compared to the 2 percent in North Dakota, according to Census Bureau data from the year 2000.
It wasn’t just the feeling of Fargo that encouraged Tobias to move. She was accepted to Northwestern College in St. Paul, Minn. in 2004. Tobias later received a letter saying that her acceptance was revoked. She wanted to know why so she met with the dean, who informed her that Northwestern was not the place for her.
“He told me that they were not there to fix my problems,” Tobias said.
Tobias found out that a faculty member of the college had viewed her Xanga Web site and contacted the dean after reading it. She believes her sexuality was a major factor in her acceptance getting “taken back.” The dean didn’t contact her after their meeting.
The “Declaration of Christian Community” on the school’s Web site reads, “We stand together against all that the Bible clearly condemns: greed and materialism, … sexual immorality (including the use of pornography), premarital sex, homosexual behavior and all other sexual relations outside the bounds of marriage between one man and one woman, murder/homicide (including abortion), slander, gossip, gluttony, vulgar or obscene language and any activities that are illegal.”
“Now, I would never let that happen,” Tobias said. “I’m
happy where I am, but I miss the slower pace of Fargo and my true friends.”
I chose my life over close-minded friends.