The art of embellishing injuries
It’s icy outside. The sidewalks and the roads are slippery. A few steps outside could mean a wipeout or an accident.
It also means that those who are actually coordinated enough to participate in athletic endeavors (and a few who aren’t) can find a hockey rink and jump into a game. This is cause for even more wipeouts and accidents.
How a person can balance on a blade a fraction of 1-inch wide is incomprehensible to me. Adding slippery ice to that picture is what I would call tempting fate.
The vast majority of slips on the ice, hockey mishaps and small fender benders, are events from which a person can walk away rubbing a few sore areas. But some result in actual injuries of the variety that keep society’s starving emergency room nurses and doctors busy. Which leaves you victim to the infamous question: “What happened to you?”
Of course, you could always tell the truth. Honesty is the best policy. It is consistent with several religions, and if you lie too often, people will stop believing anything you say — sort of a cry-wolf rationale.
Or, you could make things interesting. Nobody likes hearing the same story over and over again; it gets monotonous. Instead, make up something a little out of the ordinary. Tell each person something completely different.
From now on, you did not have a hockey accident, get in a car crash or do any other boring old thing that could happen to anyone. From now on, you fell up the stairs and were hit by a parked car.
Or, you were ice fishing and fell in the hole, but you couldn’t remember where the ice was drilled and had to punch your way out.
Or yet, maybe you were trying to help a little old lady cross the street. But this was no ordinary old lady. This was a very suspicious, mistrustful old lady who knew every martial art move in the book. And even at 104 years old, she was still in top form. Leave the rest to their imagination.
Perhaps you want to give the impression you are the adventurous sort. In that case, you were exploring an abandoned building and were several stories up when you heard some strange noises. You went to investigate, and it turned out you had stumbled into the secret hiding place of some unsavory characters. A fight ensued and you ended up falling from the window. Drawing back on your countless hours watching slow motion videos of cats falling, you managed to land on your feet, but gravity still took its toll.
Most people like to feel heroic. If you are such a person, then a speeding car hit you, but at least you were able to save that baby and a kitten from being run over.
Another possibility is that you were kidnapped by an obscure ancient-Egyptian cult who wanted to sacrifice you to Amon-Ra by mummifying you alive. However, you managed to escape, but broke your leg, arm or jaw on one of the pyramid stones. The possibilities are endless. All you need is imagination and a high-tech hidden camera to tape the reactions of your victims. After all, a bandage is a perfect place to hide that sort of thing. The videos should keep you entertained until you are back on your feet and ready to play hockey again.
Columnists' opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Spectrum