The greatest game is not a sport

Written by Davin Wait Friday, 15 January 2010 08:00

Besides George Michael singing about his broken heart – next year he’ll give it to someone special – the singularly most wretched thing I heard over break this year involved the verbal vomit everyone was spewing over Mr. Tiger Woods.

No, I’m not just referring to the talking heads inundating televisions and radios across the nation helping us find the will to live after such earth-shattering news.

Didn’t Cher already assure us long ago that there really is life after love?

In fact, I am in no way condoning it, but a young, wealthy celebrity with the collective lips of America firmly planted on his backside having multiple affairs really was not very surprising to me. I honestly just assume that these people who get told that they deserve anything and everything are playing the field.

You see, my problem with this whole nationally embarrassing fiasco were those terms “greatest athlete” and “sports hero.”

Now, I understand that kids need their heroes and sports stars are often the most popular candidates for the job – mine was, sadly, Chuck Knoblauch. And though a discussion about this idolatry as a misguided cultural practice may be in order, let’s get the facts straight.

The most glaringly overlooked of these being that golf is not a sport.

Sure, some people may get “athletic scholarships” to play it. Yes, there is a ball involved. And fine, I admit, you pretty much need all of your limbs to play – even though PGA Tour, Inc. v. Martin essentially claimed you don’t even need to walk to compete at golf’s highest level.

But as it is, golf is merely a game. Much like playing darts, pool or bocce. Except bocce ball actually requires some level of strength and the other two require alcohol tolerance. Bowling even requires more strength and a greater range of motion.

Sports are activities that involve physical exertion and skill. Sports require athleticism.

Golf is an activity that requires a hedge fund and having nothing better to do.

People who play golf are either yuppies, wannabe yuppies, their parents were yuppies or wannabe yuppies, they live in close proximity to a golf course – which doesn’t negate the possibilities of those other categories – the elderly, and otherwise unathletic people who want to join in the fun. They play golf because they really aren’t good at sports.

I’m sure that many golfers are decent athletes, but not because they golf. It’s because they can also lift big things or run fast. That makes someone athletic. Even the ability to throw or kick something a long distance makes you athletic.

When Tony Danza starred in The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon, he could make a stronger claim for greatest athlete in the world than Tiger Woods ever could. In fact, I think he’s the boss, so he probably already did.

When someone can compete at golf’s highest levels at the age of sixty or plays their greatest golf at the age of sixty, that tells me that golf doesn’t require much physical ability. When you can actually play while drinking beer, that tells me that it doesn’t demand much physical exertion.

And when someone gets paid a billion dollars and labeled as the greatest athlete/sports hero in the world for merely playing a notch above John Daly – I admit, a bit of an exaggeration – that tells me something’s askew here.

And it’s not just Tiger’s sex life.