Get Fit Fast: Election Edition

I said I would not be writing about the election in my “Miss Adventure” column. For a girl with a list of opinions longer than Rapunzel’s hair, I am strangely passionless and ambivalent about the election. Before you gasp and lecture me, I assure you that I will, in fact, vote. I just do not have much to add in the way of articulate, passionate political opinion.

But with Election Day only twelve days away as of publication date, I must imbibe in writing this article purely for the sake of satire. Many of you have probably seen the bevy of humorous presidential debate “drinking” games that exist on the inter-webs.

This column is in the “spirit” of those very games minus the heartburn, hangover and hole in your wallet. It is no mystery that I do not drink. But this does not mean I am immune to fun; I am certainly always down for mocking the people in power that often end up screwing us over.

Now after all of that exposition, I request silence, a drumroll and a trio of trumpeters, please. I shall unveil a 2012 Get Fit Fast Election day edition plan! Yes folks, in only twelve short days you can carve your calves, trim your triceps, and tuck your tummy! This workout plan will make your muscles ache and you will long for the election to be over with. I swear neither Icy Hot nor any other muscle rub or cream has endorsed me to write this column.

Do ten pull-ups every time Obama says something about the elusive “middle class.” Do thirty push-ups every time Obama mentions “change.” Do twenty tricep dips for every time Obama or his wife Michelle appear as guests on a show and are applauded for their stylish fashion sense.

Do twenty one-armed push-ups every time yet another celebrity endorses Obama and you believe what they have to say. Thirty if said celebrity is Madonna and you think anything Madonna has to say still matters-- because you will in fact have better arms than Madonna if you do this work out. Just saying. If you agree that the candidate a celebrity endorses is completely irrelevant, take a day off the work out.

In between all of the heavy arm workouts, you will surely need to target other muscle groups and give those arms a rest. Do fifty squats every time Romney mentions cutting taxes. Twenty lunges every time Romney criticizes “Obamacare” or big government. Wall sits for half an hour every time you see a shirtless picture of Paul Ryan and your mom or grandma comments on his defined physique.

Now that you have engaged in partisan carving of your arms and legs it is time to lose those love handles. Forty five sit ups for every political postcard received in your mail box! Before throwing away these cards that are overflowing our landfills, remember to be green! These post cards make the perfect wallpaper border or lining for your rat cage. Every time someone shares a link on their Facebook wall or twitter, do thirty crunches. Add a fitness ball into the mix for every time you feel tempted to share a link and think it will change anybody’s mind. Every time you are driving and see a political sign, squeeze your abs and hold. Do not hold your breath. That would be a bad idea. I am not trying to cause any car crashes here people!
Ah yes, feel the glorious burn of being inundated by the election and empty rhetoric at its finest! Happy election 2012.

Tessa is a senior majoring in English.