5 Typical Wellness Center Basketball Players

Pick-up basketball games at the Wallman Wellness Center here at NDSU are interesting to say the least. Yes, they are fun and provide some much-needed exercise for college students, but man, there are some characters out there. I have played some games, and there is always that one player that you just don’t like once you see them touch a basketball.

I delved into this further and realized I can come up with your five typical wellness center basketball players. Trust me, all of these are not good things; Half the games are sloppy affairs because of these five players. And if you find yourself under one of these categories, well, you’re welcome for the shout-out, I guess.

The un-Shaq-like
performer
We all know this guy. His only strengths in the game of basketball, or sports in general, are free throws. He cashes his shot to get into the game and then proceeds to stink up the floor. Everyone knows these guys by now, and every time he steps up to the line, everyone is praying he misses. But this guy doesn’t miss. He could be a free throw tournament champ, but when it’s time to play a game, he looks like hell on wheels out there.

The three-point blunder
This guy needs to put the glory days behind him. His form looks silky-smooth, but his shot is about as accurate as a 2011 Donavan McNabb pass. You can tell this guy probably had a good high school career. Well, that’s why they call it the glory days. Your shot sucks now. I know the phrase goes “good shooters never stop shooting,” but that doesn’t apply to you anymore. Every time this guy rises up to shoot a three, it looks picture perfect until the ball bricks off the rim. It’s like a McRib; it looks good on TV and the menu, but when it comes time to eat it, all you get is utter disappointment.

The city bench warmer
Oh yes, I notice you guys when I see you. You play the game with flash, not a fan of contact. Oh, and what you think you look like out there isn’t what other people see. The fancy move turns into a terrible shot and, we’ve got ourselves a city bench warmer. These are the players who grew up in the Twin Cities. Not good enough to hit the court, they rode the bench and watched future college players play in the games. But now, they hit NDSU and it’s a whole new territory. Well, you’re still not good. In his head, he is the man. In everyone else’s head, we’re thinking, “Get this kid out of here.”

Big man can’t ball
These are the monstrous dudes who walk upstairs after three hours of unnecessary lifting and decide to play around with the little guys. They somehow hit their free throw, which is more ugly than Ozzy Osbourne’s national anthem. His game consists of posting-up some poor guy, and then he precedes to chuck the ball at the backboard. I’m still waiting for someone to yell, “Stop shooting!” at one of these guys. Seriously though, go back downstairs and try and get those biceps bigger.

The loud mouth
No matter what happens, this guy is always yelling, especially when it is something he did. Sometimes it’s, “Ah come on man!” after he misses a shot, and “Get that outta here!” after he partially blocks the ball and fully hits the hand of the shooter. No matter what it is, he is always yelling. My favorite is when they yell after missing a shot. Like that is going to make us believe those shots usually go in for you. Hush.

Well, those are my five typical wellness basketball players. Some players don’t fall into these categories, so consider yourselves lucky if you don’t. You can always find one of these players in a game. As for myself, I’m the guy who misses the free throw, swears and goes home.